I didn't sleep last night. I don't sleep well most nights but not to sleep for more than an hour is a rarity these days. It's been a difficult week with a lot going on in my head - more than usual - which is a scary thought. Imagine my head on a 'good' day can be like watching Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood present the Brits; that gives you a sense of how bad a 'bad' day really is.
Whatever happened to Sam Fox?
My current period of reflection came about after my last counselling session. It was a weird session because I wasn't entirely sure why I needed it, I just knew that I did. Cue 50 minutes of me talking nonsensically trying to work out what was bugging me. We talked about what triggers my depression - it's not that straightforward but there are warning signs for me. I do feel I'm coping with it much better than this time last year because I can see when a down period is on the horizon and that's generally after a massive high. And then Jeff said something which has played over and over in my head for a week - he said it's almost like I'm choosing to be bipolar. Could I try not to be depressed after a period of high energy and almost joy?
Fuck, I wasn't expecting that. Is this self-inflicted? Is what I'm going through my own fault? I really didn't think so but I can see the logic in repetitive patterns becoming self-fulfilling. Am I so used to feeling like crap after a London day for example that it's become a habit? I've monitored my behaviour this week in a bid to see if this is something I can change and if it really is a choice; I'll do it for the next few weeks. This week has had some incredible high points and yes that's resulted in a fall but I do also feel depressed during my London days. I have to manage this the best I can whereas at home I can shut the door and crawl under a duvet. That does feel like a choice but a choice that I make when it's appropriate to do so.
Honestly? I'm not convinced at the moment. I like feeling buzzy. I love the spark I get from going to work. I really don't want to feel like shit. There are issues I'm still working through and I believe these have an impact on my general mood. I don't think this is my choice. But I'm open to continuing to test that.
Image: hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
I think there can be something in what your counsellor has said tbh. There is a certain amount of behaviour that we 'choose' without realising we are; of course there is a huge amount of science involved as well, but I see warning signs in myself a lot and adopt some diversion tactics. It's also why I've never written much about my depression/anxiety; because in doing so I kinda reinforce it if you see what I mean? Similarly, I could never go to an arthritis support group because I don't want to actually talk about my arthritis all the time.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to be on the right medication to be able to do the diversion thing though; or that's the case with me anyway; otherwise it creeps up on me much quicker before I get to see the warning signs.
Keeping smiling, Emma, you'll get there. xxx
btw, I also think it's a bit dangerous to think people can 'choose' to be bi-polar of have mental health issues; it plays into the 'cheer up' mentality that irritates us all so much! But it's about knowing the triggers and how to manage them. xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's a really tricky one isn't it? I try to be open to any help so I'll see if there is anything I'm missing! I do find writing about it helps me; not every day but when I'm really mulling things over. x
ReplyDelete