One of my most irritating character traits is having an all or nothing approach to life. If I'm interested in something this can quickly become all consuming. It could be a song that I can't stop listening to (Yuna - Lanes), a programme I have to keep watching (all of The Following in a matter of days), a piece of clothing I want to wear day in, day out (grey hoodie), a type of food I can't stop eating (salmon & tuna on a bed of rice from Itsu), having to organise the apps on my phone by colour rather than function (look how pretty it is!), or worst of all (for both of us) a new friend.
This obsessive behaviour isn't hugely problematic when it's a work project; in some cases it's helpful even if it means I work ridiculous hours due to an inability to switch off. However, if it's a someone; if you're the object of my attention (not affection) I can imagine it's a bit weird. Okay a lot weird. I've spent a significant amount of time in the past 9 months working this through in a bid to pinpoint where this comes from; to be honest I always suspected the reason and it's now more a case of changing my behaviours so that I stop freaking people out.
As a kid my Dad left. Early doors, when I was still a toddler. To this day I don't fully understand what happened and as he died almost 3 years ago I don't suppose I ever will now. I'm fairly sure this triggered my low self esteem. That probably sounds daft to most of you. How can a child suffer with self esteem issues? But imagine if one of the two people you expect to be able to rely on, whatever the situation, leaves you. Never sends a birthday card, or makes a call and yet you still spend time with his mother and his siblings, just not with him. Well sometimes with him and then it's even more awkward because he has a new wife and new children who don't want you to be part of their family. Now consider the deep routed sense of rejection this triggers especially because it's never explained to you what you did wrong. Or in fact that you didn't do anything wrong. That it's his issue, not yours. But still, if a parent finds you unlikeable/unloveable, what hope is there that anyone else can?
I thought life without my Dad was ok. I have many fond memories of my childhood although I do also hate a lot of it. It surprises me that it's taken me this long to work out why I'm a people pleaser - why I've regularly put myself in uncomfortable situations to try and make myself more likeable rather than doing what I really want to do. The result of which is usually that I'm less likeable, defeating the objective completely. I have an unhealthy need to be liked, loved even. Worse still once I feel someone has proved that they do in fact like me I often move on to someone else because self doubt begins to creep in and I need to prove myself all over again. It's a relief to talk openly about it and make small changes - thinking about what makes me happy and going with it especially when historically I'd have ignored my needs for the sake of someone else's. If you've maintained any kind of relationship with me for the long haul - thank you - I know how hard that will have been at times. Plus, I must genuinely like you as history states that I'd have moved on by now if I didn't.
If you've been the focus of my obsession in the past and then been left out in the cold wondering where I went; I'm sorry. Hopefully this provides you with a bit of perspective. Not all of you mind. Some people I have purposefully turned the page on and now feel strong enough to leave it that way. I'm accepting that I can't be liked by everyone but it's nice to be liked by those who I care about. That's where I'm focusing my energy from now on. You know who you are and I'll try my hardest not to be obsessive about it... No promises though.
