What makes a good parent?
Kindness? Patience? Being a suitable role model?
Google 'good parenting' and you'll be rewarded with page after page of articles like: 10 little things good parents do; nine steps to more effective parenting and 50 easy ways to be a fantastic parent.
Easy? Easy ways? Fifty of them? I've been a parent for almost 12 years now and easy has never been a word I've associated with the job. And yes, I do think of it as a job. Motherhood doesn't come easy to me. Not the love bit; that's pretty straightforward especially when you have a funny, kind, bright child. But like most children she's also argumentative, stubborn and domineering and I'm constantly having to up my game. I don't want to pass on my insecurities, my indecisiveness, my depression.
Since asking for help over a year ago my condition no longer manifests itself in an inability to get off the sofa. My diet is far from good but I'm not single handedly supporting the bottom line of Walkers. I drink alcohol again - more than the recommended guidelines but less than Oliver Reed. I can see I've made progress but I recognise that at times I'm still a mess. I'm ok with that when there's only me to consider but how do I make sure I'm not setting a precedent with B where she sees my behaviour, my character as the norm?
I try to be honest with her and provide her with some context - only as much as she needs of course - if I let her see the whole truth I'm pretty sure I'd scare the hell out of her. However how do I really know how much she needs or whether this is more about what I need? That's when I start to question if I'm a good parent. Aren't most of us winging it every day? Please say yes. If I find out that you've all got this whole parenting thing sussed it might just tip me over the edge and I don't think there are enough packets of Wotsits on sale in Swaffham.
One definition of good parenting I've seen is:
Good parenting happens when a person creates for a child a stable, nurturing home environment, is a positive role model, and plays a positive and active part in a child's life. Good parents provide moral and spiritual guidance, set limits, and provide consequences for a child's behaviour.
Nothing too scary there. Suitably broad so that even I can relate to it and agree that, in general, I'm a good parent.
Ask people to define bad parenting though and my discomfort level is turned up to 11. Especially when they cite things like 'someone who puts their own needs before their child'. Put it this way, if I hadn't finally put my own needs first we'd be in a dire situation as a family today. Depression is cruel. It makes me feel worthless, helpless, incompetent and inadequate. In my desire to the do the right thing for my child I ask a lot of questions. Questions like:
- Is it healthy for B to see that medication is a core part of my life? In one of my first posts I said that we're ok with people taking pills to help with long term conditions like diabetes, arthritis or heart problems and mental health shouldn't be any different. But we refer to anti-depressants as happy pills and that underplays their importance. I'm not unhappy. I'm depressed. It's different.
- When I can't force myself out of the door to exercise how can I then talk to her about a healthy lifestyle? She called me up on this over the weekend when she had agreed to go for a run and then didn't want to. "You say you're going for a run and then don't; why is that any different?" In some ways she's right, it isn't any different. I want her to be able to trust me to be true to my word but when my body feels as if I've swallowed an Acme anvil I don't stand a chance. We don't live in a society where 'do as I say, not what I do' is a suitable response (thankfully) but we do live in one where I can try to explain how I feel even if it's hard for her to understand.
- I could go on. I won't, but I could.
I don't believe any of us fully appreciate what makes us good parents. Sometimes it's luck. Sometimes it's what we do. Sometimes it's the kids we have. I've come up with my own top 10 tips all of us simply trying to get through another day as a Mum or Dad or similar.
10 top tips for good parenting - Emma style
Try to:
- Greet your child with a warm smile and a proper hug when they wake up in the morning. You can go back to sucking lemons when they take a nap/ go to school/ go to work.
- Make it through the day without swearing in front of them. The money in the swear jar will probably go towards a visit to watch some wretched teen film - in your purse/wallet you can buy chocolate/wine/that handbag you've been googling.
- Bonus points if you don't swear at them (some of you will totally get this - that's who this list is for).
- Avoid hiding away in the bathroom unless you're about to break down in front of them. In which case lock the door and muffle your screams with a bath mat or a large towel.
- Cook a balanced meal and eat at the table as a family - it sets a good example. Anyway the meal will be over with more quickly if you're still wearing your lemon sucking face.
- Eat takeaway and cake in front of the TV because experiences are much more important than good examples. Plus if you don't watch Bake Off live you won't be able to sit on twitter later.
- Take your meds with a glass of wine and explain that it's the wine that makes you happy, not the pills.
- Wear pjs all day - it reduces the amount of washing you have to do and hell that's great for the environment. You will eventually have to wash your dressing gown though - we don't want to cross the line into complete and utter slovenliness.
- Take the piss out of yourself and your family. None of us are perfect and being able to laugh at yourself is one of life's greatest skills. Don't try this one if you have a dodgy sense of humour. Jokes about suicide don't go down well with everyone. So I've heard...
- Make sure your kids knows they're central to your life but not the centre of your life. We have to be responsible for our own happiness and one day they'll leave home and you have to be able to cope with that. Unless you live in London in which case you're stuck with them forever because they'll never be able to afford to move out.
I think I'm a good parent most of the time. I know I'm a terrible parent some of the time. And just occasionally I get it right and I'm a great parent. That's as much as I can hope for isn't it?
