Guilt can be a nasty fucker can't it?
Sometimes it's completely appropriate - like when you've done something that you know is wrong or ill judged. That type of guilt is a great teacher. It provides us with markers for how we want to grow and how we should behave; usually once we've realised this we can move on and leave the guilt behind.
Appropriate, useful guilt.
The guilt I feel from my depression is very different. It's disproportionate and generally misplaced. I do know this but for some reason I can't process it. Not only does it compound my feelings of low self-esteem, it also leads to indecision and a belief that everything I do is wrong. This isn't uncommon.
People with depression, people like me, we're quick to blame ourselves for problems around us, even for those things that we have no responsibility for.
If someone asks to speak to me about something my automatic reaction is 'what have I done?' As a 44 year old I'm not prone to getting into trouble. Troublesome, yes. In trouble, no. So where does this feeling come from? That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of.
Some of you will get this like that (snaps fingers). Some of you will think it sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. That doesn't stop it from being real too.
I've discussed this in detail with my counsellor, Jeff. The seemingly infinite number of things I feel guilty about. Like how I've let down the person who believed in me for an MD job that I eventually walked away from; how I think I'm betraying family members by talking about them in our counselling meetings; even the guilt I felt about cancelling an appointment with Jeff when I was ill. It's a symptom that I've carried with me for years. It's unshakeable.
I still worry about things I did as a kid, even though I was just a kid doing the stupid things someone of that age does.
I feel guilty for feeling depressed when to the outside world I have nothing to be depressed about.
Too often I simply feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Like I said, guilt can be a nasty fucker can't it?
