The longer this goes on the tougher it feels to be honest. As I've said before, my experience of mental health is that it's often incredibly boring. Especially because I'm often repeating myself.
But I still believe this has been the right thing for me to do - be open. Addressing my illness in this way means I'm now taking positive action when I feel like shit - even if that's simply accepting that I feel like shit. No more, no less than that.
By being open I've cemented friendships that were at risk because it's hard to be friends with someone who blows hot and cold. Me, not them.
I've connected with other people like me. Many of whom are still in a dark place, trying to come to terms with this condition and trying to find the words to open up to the right people, at the right time. It's not easy. We worry about worrying those around us. Crazy right? All the best people are...
In an earlier post I talked about trying to make my life easier. So far so good.
I have the meds. For me that's a tick. I'm surprised how much they appear to be helping me.
I have the counsellor. Ok I cried off last week's session because I was full of cold, plus I'm back to that place where I think I should be better by now.
I have my family. Most of you rock. Some of you not so much but hey, that's life.
I have my friends. So many of you. It's overwhelming the love you've thrown in my direction and if anyone doubts the power of social media - this has been a life force for me. Relative strangers have offered words of comfort in a way that those close to you sometimes can't.
And I have my work. Great clients. An interesting job. Flexibility. Well paid. I've always had ambition and this hasn't changed. There's still plenty I'd like to achieve in my career. Plus if I stay away from high places and fast moving vehicles I should have a significant number of years left to make these things happen.
Seriously what more do I need?
A bit of space wouldn't go amiss. Some time to sit quietly with Padfoot on those days when it doesn't quite come together. There are still more of these than I'd like. I don't remember the last time I sat in my office at home. It's become an alien place to me. I work elsewhere. I'd really like to change that. And this is the first step.
After 11 years working freelance - it was meant to be a bit of time out to think about what I wanted to do with my life - I'm heading back to the land of the employed. For 3 days a week. The other two days I'll do bits and bobs for O2 and some work on Metis, the start-up I'm involved in. Oh and I might sleep, read, sew and cook. And stay up late, drinking and taking drugs. Wait, I do that already. The drinking not so much.
From April 5th I'll be joining Transform as Head of Marketing, a client I've worked with for over 5 years, and a bunch of people who've stepped up to the plate a lot since last July. The job is pretty much the same, the people are mostly the same but oddly I feel different. I feel calmer. Excited by the challenge and despite always being made to feel incredibly welcome on the projects I've been involved with, I now feel like I really belong.
It's one of the missing pieces. Belonging. I never felt I fully belonged in my family. I made it difficult for myself to fit in with friends. This feels like the type of progress that's needed if I'm ever going to summit the mountain. For fellow Everest fans out there I've made it through the icefall. The Hillary Step however is still a long way off. To be honest I wonder if I'll ever climb it. Not sure it matters as much now though because the point is I believe that I can.
