"Yawn, yawn - is she still harping on about depression?" Nobody has actually said this to my face. Quite the opposite really but I still feel believe that's what people think. I'm sure some of you have thought that at least once - I promise I totally understand. It's boring for me too.
Repetition isn't always dull though. I never tire of Eddie Izzard enacting 'There must have been a Death Star canteen', or of watching The Two Ronnies perform their 'Four candles', or should that be 'Fork handles', sketch. Ok so both of those make me laugh but I also like to rewatch things that make me cry. Like the end of Ashes to Ashes "See you around Bollykecks" and Sally Field in Steel Magnolias "I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't!"; although again humour is part of the pathos in these scenes.
It's also an enormous part of my life. I like, need, to make people laugh; I'm often the (self-elected) comedian at family gatherings. When you feel like shit as often as I do a clown mask is a great way to deflect people, to cover up your true emotions, to make it look like you're ok.
I've been blogging less because it feels self-indulgent (I've said that before) and repetitive (I've said that before too). I've been blogging less because I began to question if my depression is something that happens to me or something I bring on myself. I've been blogging less because FFS - I have a great kid, a job I enjoy, the support of some amazing people and a pretty nice roof over my head. Fair enough I also have questionable fashion sense and middle-age spread (which is nowhere near as interesting as Lotus - middle class spread) but overall the positives in my life are tipping the scales.
And yet it's still there. The black cloud. The black dog. Padfoot. I'm making some major changes at the moment and wondering if these will help improve my condition. I'm unconvinced. If anything I'm scared I've created another opportunity for anxiety to creep in.
There's a hashtag on twitter - #depressionfeelslike - to share insights into its affects. Insights that are far more eloquent than anything I could ever write, illustrations so simple yet managing to convey complex emotions. Strong, courageous people who feel weak and cowardly.
#depressionfeelslike a parasite has locked itself in its own created world within my brain and evicted my own mind.
#depressionfeelslike depression isn't always suicide notes and pill bottles. Sometimes it's all smiles and fake laughter. It isn't always easy to notice.
#depressionfeelslike with every minute that passes by, I keep saying I'll get out of bed but my body is frozen.
And mine?
#depressionfeelslike sinking in quicksand, then being rescued. Sometimes you want to sink in quicksand; sometimes you want to be rescued.
I'm not really sure what my point is. Perhaps I want everyone to remember that we're all doing the best we can with the flaws we have.
So a big thank you to Mark for replying to my tweet today with 'Lifeguard bear on duty'. Thank you to everyone who continues to send me messages of support. To all of you who make me smile and accept me in spite of my flaws. You're the ones who get me through even the toughest of days. You're the ones who know when I want to be rescued.
