Stuck on the guilt-a-whirl*

Gemma Correll is the rock goddess of illustrators for me. She completely captures, in a humorous way of course, how I feel as a depressive. I remember many people being shocked when I told them I suffered with depression: “but you’re so smiley”; “so happy”; “outgoing”. Yep. None of these characteristics are mutually excluded from the life of someone who suffers with mental health problems. In fact for me they are part and parcel of my general demeanour along with being a key component of my many coping mechanisms.

This particular low point I’m currently experiencing has come at me out of nowhere, a bit like the lorry in Cold Feet when Rachel was reaching for a cassette to play in the car. God. Remember cassettes? Imagine having to piss about with a footwell full of those just to save yourself from the repetitive drivel that’s played on most radio stations (6 Music excluded of course).

Back to Gemma. If you haven’t seen her work check it out www.gemmacorrell.com — if we’re friends I’ve shared most of it already because, well, I’m a bit obsessed with her — this sums up much more eloquently than I ever could how I feel at the moment.

From the top:

Visit Depression Land — if you have the energy to get out of bed. As I sleep an average of 2 hours a night I could blame this for my lethargy but the truth is I’m wide awake most of the time, I just can’t be arsed to move.

But assuming I’ve hauled my Padfoot carrying carcass off the mattress and somehow managed to get dressed and travel to Depression Land I’d probably skip the cruise. (I’ve ignored the mascot because I don’t want to get into an “I’m more tired than you” competition. I’d win.) Love the fact Gemma references one of the most irritating Disney songs of all time ‘It’s a small world’ because it perfectly captures the irritation at struggling to do things like read a book, go to the cinema or catch up with friends. I do still listen to a lot of music albeit my obsessive tendencies mean I’m inclined to hit repeat on inappropriate songs…

The Meh-Go-Round is more enticing. If only to use it as platform for launching non lethal missiles at well meaning people who really believe that positive thinking or more exercise are the answer. I don’t want to belittle anyone who’s genuinely trying to help but if it was that simple we’d all do it. I do feel better when I exercise but I refer you to my earlier point — some days I don’t even get dressed. In ordinary clothes. My gym kit is a stretch too far. And thinking about it, in more ways than one. Comfort eating is a life saver.

Please, don’t stop trying, just try something different.

1. Send a hug. Hugs are ace. They convey a battle bus of emotion without the need for tongues.
2. Tell someone you’re thinking of them. Probably not if they’ve just told you they’re in bed, unless you have those sorts of privileges — being in someone’s thoughts is very comforting.
3. Post a funny pic on their Facebook wall/ via whatsapp or if you’re old school in the actual post. Funny. We all need more funny. Read the message below with a Scouse accent… You have to admit that’s a little bit amusing?

Then finally, before the gates on Depression Land close for another day, as the sun is setting in the sky and teletubbies say bye bye (no fucking idea why that just popped into my head — does the avodaco look a bit like La La?) it’s time to take a spin on the guilt-a-whirl. An absolute favourite spot for all us mentalists. We feel bad. Then we feel bad because we feel bad. Which makes us feel bad. Round and round we go. Feeling guilty for being depressed. Feeling depressed because of our guilt. What a never ending circle of Dante like emotions.

Cheery little post this, isn’t it? Watch this and remember I NEVER fail to dance when I hear it. Plus I epitomise the ‘dance like nobody is watching’ quote mainly because I’ve got sunshine in my pocket and it’s burning a hole in my pants. It’s a win for us all.

*Hats off to Gemma for the guilt-a-whirl. Brilliant name.

World mental health day: sharing is caring

My interest in mental health means I already follow* plenty of people who write or comment on the subject but I like to think that World Mental Health Day (WMHD) has raised awareness outside of the inner circle.

Over the past 5 days I’ve been part of something very special. Deep down I know this is the norm but it’s hard to accept that when I’m spiralling downwards.

On Monday I sketched out some of the thoughts that go round in my head. Not all at the same time. Nobody could cope with that much negativity every day. If you do however, hats off to you, you’re a stronger person than I am. Stick with it but for God’s sake ask for some help.

My simplistic illustration was an easy way to ask people to get involved. To take some time to consider how it feels to live with mental health problems. Life’s not all misery and despair but the strength it takes not to fall into that rabbit hole can be exhausting before the day’s even begun. I thought if I was prepared to share some of my innermost thoughts I could legitimately ask others to invest themselves just a little.

And some of you did. With bells on. Great big jangling shiny bells. No euphemisms here. Think Christmas and Liberty, not end.

This is my illustration:

Not a great work of art and with full disclosure it only took me about 30 minutes but it is an accurate representation of how I’ve felt in the past (and some of the things I'm feeling today).

It clearly struck a chord. I can’t remember the last time one of my tweets made such an impression (see what I did there?). But more than that I was blown away by the response by my friends on Facebook. First up Paul Walker, my much loved friend from Uni commented that he thought it would make a cool canvas — Paul is an incredible artist so a huge compliment! Then Lesley Marshall, a friend from my days at BT, asked if she could share it.

And then things went a little crazy. Paul, Lesley, Jo McEnery, Will, my sister Ruth, Mark Doughty and Andrew Sugden used it as their profile pic to raise awareness of WMHD. Plus other friends shared very lovely messages of support — Sophie, Carry, Carrie, Rachel W, Rachel D, Tim, Ben, Paula, Sarah, Kirsti, Vicki and Julie.

And then, things got really silly and I was asked if the image could be used by several companies who were planning campaigns during WMHD. Of course I said yes and I feel ridiculously proud (and also somewhat embarrassed).

The irony of my mind map and the support network I have isn’t lost on me. I use phrases like ‘unlikeable’ and ‘unloveable’ because I genuinely feel like that, most days. Which is why I also say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ because it’s the truth. Don’t give up on me or other friends/colleagues/family members like me. We’re probably doing everything we can to stop ourselves from sinking and you never know how much that kind word or thoughtful gesture might mean.

Finally, to everyone who liked, loved, shared and engaged with my picture — thank you. I hope it’s given you a look behind the curtain. If I forgot to mention you I’m sorry, take your pick of the statements in my illustration; one of them will provide a reason/an excuse I’m sure.

*Online obviously. I’m not loitering outside Matt Haig’s house, or trying to catch the same train as Ruby Wax.

Be the reason someone smiles today

Hello you lovely lot. It's World Smile Day. Yesterday it was National Teacher's Day. Tomorrow National something else Day. Actually October 8th is National Fluffernutter Day. I kid you not. Some things are too ridiculous to be made up.

Ignore my fake cynicism.

I'm a big fan of smiling. I like to think I smile a lot, even though I have depression. They're not mutually exclusive thank God. I did think about sharing a venn diagram to illustrate the point but, well, you know...

Although if you think you sit firmly in the blue camp take a look at this:

You have to admit, that's pretty funny!

I've lost the point of this post after falling down a Venn diagram rabbit hole. But along with pie charts they're one of my favourite mathematical props. As I've mentioned pie charts this is smile worthy surely?

No? What about this?

If your mouth failed to twitch at any of these pics we're probably not great friends but it's a day to celebrate smiling so whatever tickles your fancy go with it. Just remember to spread the joy. We can never smile too much.

Thanks to all of you that regularly make me smile. I hope this post has returned the favour just a little.