I've moved over to medium

You can find all my latest posts here.

See you on a different side*.

* Last time I wrote 'see you on the other side' I had at least 5 messages from people thinking I was literally checking out. This was before I told anyone about my depression. Maybe it was more obvious than I thought.

What if I fall?

Call it an amicable separation or a good natured parting (f you need to channel your inner Gwynnie it's a conscious uncoupling and our friendship will follow this path) but however friendly the end of a relationship, there's no guarantee it will be pain free. If anything the pain is intensified - after all if you still care for someone, love them even, saying goodbye is bound to be hard. 

There are lots of thoughts spinning around in my head this week.

"Am I doing the right thing?"
"Is this a big mistake?"
"Will I regret this?"
"Do I now have to cook all the meals?"
"Why didn't I take custody of the Sky box?"

All perfectly normal I think. There's really no right answer, only a right for now answer and this situation is exactly that - right for now.

Sitting in my brand new box - small and almost perfect - it does get lonely as the light fades. Fortunately I don't currently have a sofa to miss curling up on and beanbags might be fun when you're 8 but when you're 45 they're simply another reminder that getting up from the floor is difficult to do with any semblance of grace. There's nobody here to laugh at my clumsy 'tuck and roll' technique. Aside from the neighbours who could look through the window because I don't have all my curtains up yet. So far they don't seem that interested.


With week 1 of 2017 now done and dusted, it's fair to say I've packed a lot into it. Bring on the next 51 weeks; I'm ready for you. And although I'm terrfied that I might fall, the alternative is worth the risk.

Break ups and making it up

I've been avoiding blogging as it's hard to talk about my mental health without mentioning the one thing that is currently having a profound impact on my life. And Will's life. And Bea's. The cat not so much. She really is a heartless creature with no respect for the adage 'don't bite the hand that feeds you'.

I'm comfort eating, I'm lethargic, I'm not reading as my concentration is poor. Each morning I struggle to get out of bed, I don't sleep and I'm regularly close to tears. Exactly the way I was feeling 18 months ago. However at least this time there's a specific reason - the end of my marriage*. Even typing the words feels unreal. Will and I have been together for 25 years. Let that sink in for a minute. More than half of my life spent with this man. The uni years. The London years. The newly married years. The first house years. The money pit years. The baby years. The let's move house five times years. The surely she's a teenager already years. All of them the depression years - sorry, Will. It's been an eventful quarter century. Which is what makes this all so very sad.

If we hated each other it might be easier to move on, to accept that it's over, but we don't. For Bea this is both good and bad. It's hard for a 12 year old to understand why her parents are splitting up when they still laugh together and take the piss out of each other. The flip side is that long term this should make it easier for us all. Or not. Who knows? We're totally making this up as we go along. Acing it some days. Crash landing on others - we have expert advice from Chesley Sullenberger but still we're in the Hudson, not at LaGuardia.

Why write now? Well a number of reasons, all of them resulting from the situation we find ourselves in, and when I feel at my worst it really does help me to write.

1. The people we love

We worried about telling our parents, our friends and Bea. When was the right time? Would people feel they need to take sides? How would we explain why this is happening? It was predominantly painless with tears of course but plenty of support from friends and family alike. As my moving out date draws nearer though it's hitting home that life will be, has to be, different. I have to say goodbye not just to my husband but also to his parents. I know we'll still meet up but not in the same way. Those dinners we shared where we all got a little (very) drunk and talked into the small hours - they won't happen again. Over the summer we holidayed together in Spain and it was one of the most perfect weeks I've spent with them. I wish we could have more trips like that.

Then there's our friends. When you've been a couple for as long as we have inevitably many of your friends become joint friends. We holiday with three other families every year. What do we do now? New Year's Eve is always spent with the same couple, including our children. How do we handle that? Step by step I guess but it's hugely overwhelming and we'll definitely need some help**.

2. Christmas

I never planned to move out over Christmas. My new house is exactly that - brand new and typically it happens to be finished this month. We're spending Christmas together, the three of us, moving things into the new house over a period of weeks. Never really one for ripping the plaster off quickly instead we're going for the slow, painful peel away... See what I mean about making it up as we go along - is there even a right way to do this? I felt pretty good about the Christmas decision. Bea doesn't have to split her day (next year she will but we should be in a much better place by then), no turkey for one ready meals and less chance of me having a Bridget Jones moment - all by myself. Neither of us thought about the cards though. Both sending them and receiving them. Do we send them from all 3 of us one last time? Or opt to not send any, completely avoiding the issue? We've had our first cards that no longer say 'Will, Emma & Bea' - ha who am I kidding, it was alway 'Emma, Will & Bea' - but instead 'Will and Bea' or 'Em & Bea'. Sucker punch moments.

3. Bea

Where do I even start? We adore her. She is everything that's good about our relationship. As Will said this week, prompting tears, 'she's our legacy'. I'm crying as I write this. You know that song in the Sound of Music 'Something Good' - it's on a loop in my head because honestly we did. We did something good: Bea. She's seeing a counsellor at school. I'm so proud of her for taking this step and after meeting with her Vice Principal, they think she's coping extremely well. But my guilt kicks in and I worry about the effect this is having on her. She'll split her time between us equally and I know we'll do everything we can to make this as painless as possible but it doesn't change the fact that we're changing her life forever too.

So you might be wondering why we are doing this? Because it's the right thing to do. Not the easy thing but most definitely the right thing. Almost certainly the right thing. The 'right at this moment in time given the circumstances' thing. If we can continue to do this in a way that considers all of our feelings, it might at least be a little easier. That can never be the wrong thing to do.


* Please don't call this a conscious uncoupling. Even if it is. We're not the Martin/Paltrows. It's wanky.

** Unless you have always hated/disliked one of us there's no need to take sides. If you HAVE always hated one of us, fill your boots and pick your team. Either way - everyone can be happy.

Count me out

I like a bandwagon.

Except when I don't.

#365daysofselfcare is currently a thing on Twitter.

I'm giving it a go.

If it's anything like my photo a day blog I'll love it until about day 180...

Today's self care is all about doing what makes me happy.

Even if that pisses other people off.

A bit like the grammar in this meme.

Which I love.

The meme.

Not the grammar.

Why am I explaining myself?

#365daysofselfcare

This is Day #3.

Stuck on the guilt-a-whirl*

Gemma Correll is the rock goddess of illustrators for me. She completely captures, in a humorous way of course, how I feel as a depressive. I remember many people being shocked when I told them I suffered with depression: “but you’re so smiley”; “so happy”; “outgoing”. Yep. None of these characteristics are mutually excluded from the life of someone who suffers with mental health problems. In fact for me they are part and parcel of my general demeanour along with being a key component of my many coping mechanisms.

This particular low point I’m currently experiencing has come at me out of nowhere, a bit like the lorry in Cold Feet when Rachel was reaching for a cassette to play in the car. God. Remember cassettes? Imagine having to piss about with a footwell full of those just to save yourself from the repetitive drivel that’s played on most radio stations (6 Music excluded of course).

Back to Gemma. If you haven’t seen her work check it out www.gemmacorrell.com — if we’re friends I’ve shared most of it already because, well, I’m a bit obsessed with her — this sums up much more eloquently than I ever could how I feel at the moment.

From the top:

Visit Depression Land — if you have the energy to get out of bed. As I sleep an average of 2 hours a night I could blame this for my lethargy but the truth is I’m wide awake most of the time, I just can’t be arsed to move.

But assuming I’ve hauled my Padfoot carrying carcass off the mattress and somehow managed to get dressed and travel to Depression Land I’d probably skip the cruise. (I’ve ignored the mascot because I don’t want to get into an “I’m more tired than you” competition. I’d win.) Love the fact Gemma references one of the most irritating Disney songs of all time ‘It’s a small world’ because it perfectly captures the irritation at struggling to do things like read a book, go to the cinema or catch up with friends. I do still listen to a lot of music albeit my obsessive tendencies mean I’m inclined to hit repeat on inappropriate songs…

The Meh-Go-Round is more enticing. If only to use it as platform for launching non lethal missiles at well meaning people who really believe that positive thinking or more exercise are the answer. I don’t want to belittle anyone who’s genuinely trying to help but if it was that simple we’d all do it. I do feel better when I exercise but I refer you to my earlier point — some days I don’t even get dressed. In ordinary clothes. My gym kit is a stretch too far. And thinking about it, in more ways than one. Comfort eating is a life saver.

Please, don’t stop trying, just try something different.

1. Send a hug. Hugs are ace. They convey a battle bus of emotion without the need for tongues.
2. Tell someone you’re thinking of them. Probably not if they’ve just told you they’re in bed, unless you have those sorts of privileges — being in someone’s thoughts is very comforting.
3. Post a funny pic on their Facebook wall/ via whatsapp or if you’re old school in the actual post. Funny. We all need more funny. Read the message below with a Scouse accent… You have to admit that’s a little bit amusing?

Then finally, before the gates on Depression Land close for another day, as the sun is setting in the sky and teletubbies say bye bye (no fucking idea why that just popped into my head — does the avodaco look a bit like La La?) it’s time to take a spin on the guilt-a-whirl. An absolute favourite spot for all us mentalists. We feel bad. Then we feel bad because we feel bad. Which makes us feel bad. Round and round we go. Feeling guilty for being depressed. Feeling depressed because of our guilt. What a never ending circle of Dante like emotions.

Cheery little post this, isn’t it? Watch this and remember I NEVER fail to dance when I hear it. Plus I epitomise the ‘dance like nobody is watching’ quote mainly because I’ve got sunshine in my pocket and it’s burning a hole in my pants. It’s a win for us all.

*Hats off to Gemma for the guilt-a-whirl. Brilliant name.

World mental health day: sharing is caring

My interest in mental health means I already follow* plenty of people who write or comment on the subject but I like to think that World Mental Health Day (WMHD) has raised awareness outside of the inner circle.

Over the past 5 days I’ve been part of something very special. Deep down I know this is the norm but it’s hard to accept that when I’m spiralling downwards.

On Monday I sketched out some of the thoughts that go round in my head. Not all at the same time. Nobody could cope with that much negativity every day. If you do however, hats off to you, you’re a stronger person than I am. Stick with it but for God’s sake ask for some help.

My simplistic illustration was an easy way to ask people to get involved. To take some time to consider how it feels to live with mental health problems. Life’s not all misery and despair but the strength it takes not to fall into that rabbit hole can be exhausting before the day’s even begun. I thought if I was prepared to share some of my innermost thoughts I could legitimately ask others to invest themselves just a little.

And some of you did. With bells on. Great big jangling shiny bells. No euphemisms here. Think Christmas and Liberty, not end.

This is my illustration:

Not a great work of art and with full disclosure it only took me about 30 minutes but it is an accurate representation of how I’ve felt in the past (and some of the things I'm feeling today).

It clearly struck a chord. I can’t remember the last time one of my tweets made such an impression (see what I did there?). But more than that I was blown away by the response by my friends on Facebook. First up Paul Walker, my much loved friend from Uni commented that he thought it would make a cool canvas — Paul is an incredible artist so a huge compliment! Then Lesley Marshall, a friend from my days at BT, asked if she could share it.

And then things went a little crazy. Paul, Lesley, Jo McEnery, Will, my sister Ruth, Mark Doughty and Andrew Sugden used it as their profile pic to raise awareness of WMHD. Plus other friends shared very lovely messages of support — Sophie, Carry, Carrie, Rachel W, Rachel D, Tim, Ben, Paula, Sarah, Kirsti, Vicki and Julie.

And then, things got really silly and I was asked if the image could be used by several companies who were planning campaigns during WMHD. Of course I said yes and I feel ridiculously proud (and also somewhat embarrassed).

The irony of my mind map and the support network I have isn’t lost on me. I use phrases like ‘unlikeable’ and ‘unloveable’ because I genuinely feel like that, most days. Which is why I also say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ because it’s the truth. Don’t give up on me or other friends/colleagues/family members like me. We’re probably doing everything we can to stop ourselves from sinking and you never know how much that kind word or thoughtful gesture might mean.

Finally, to everyone who liked, loved, shared and engaged with my picture — thank you. I hope it’s given you a look behind the curtain. If I forgot to mention you I’m sorry, take your pick of the statements in my illustration; one of them will provide a reason/an excuse I’m sure.

*Online obviously. I’m not loitering outside Matt Haig’s house, or trying to catch the same train as Ruby Wax.

Be the reason someone smiles today

Hello you lovely lot. It's World Smile Day. Yesterday it was National Teacher's Day. Tomorrow National something else Day. Actually October 8th is National Fluffernutter Day. I kid you not. Some things are too ridiculous to be made up.

Ignore my fake cynicism.

I'm a big fan of smiling. I like to think I smile a lot, even though I have depression. They're not mutually exclusive thank God. I did think about sharing a venn diagram to illustrate the point but, well, you know...

Although if you think you sit firmly in the blue camp take a look at this:

You have to admit, that's pretty funny!

I've lost the point of this post after falling down a Venn diagram rabbit hole. But along with pie charts they're one of my favourite mathematical props. As I've mentioned pie charts this is smile worthy surely?

No? What about this?

If your mouth failed to twitch at any of these pics we're probably not great friends but it's a day to celebrate smiling so whatever tickles your fancy go with it. Just remember to spread the joy. We can never smile too much.

Thanks to all of you that regularly make me smile. I hope this post has returned the favour just a little.